(Part of this was a letter written to another sick child. This was very therapeutic for this mom to write. I probably could have kept writing for hours. I just wonder how many kids feel that they just be alone in this struggle and have to deal with the stress that Lyme puts on a family.)

My name is J.D. My mom is writing this because I am only nine years old. If I could talk to you, in person, I would tell you that right now my body is different from the other kids in school. I am very much aware of this and I want to be normal again--sooo bad. Even though people tell me that I'm Autistic, or ADHD, or Obsessive-compulsive, or laugh because I can't control the Tourettes, I am here inside this body and am very much aware of things being very wrong.

Most days I don't want to go to school because I don't want the other kids to laugh at me when I don't want to eat the same food that they eat. They call me anorexic, and even though I don't know what that means I know that they are making fun of me. The smell of food makes me gag and feel like throwing up.

They don't like me because I have to have everything in perfect order, and if I color a picture, and it's not perfect, I tear it up and recolor it. They laugh when my eyes blink uncontrollably, and then my head jerks, and sometimes I say things that I don't really mean- things that are really mean and hurt others people's feelings. I get sent to the office for saying things that I thought that I was just thinking.

I am afraid almost all of the time; I'm especially afraid of mice and the dark. I think and talk about death all of the time. My thoughts are usually very morbid, and even though I want to think different thoughts, I really don't seem to have very much control over it. I can be very loud and people tell me to shut up all of the time. I don't have any friends. I spend most of my time very, very afraid. Some people try to understand and be nice to me, but it doesn't last very long. I get real depressed because I am sure most of the time that this is just all my fault. I cry and say that I am just a bad kid and that I don't want to live. I ask my mom if God still loves me, and if I will go to hell, because I drew a picture about killing another little boy in my classroom. I am a very good artist.

Sometimes I can't hear what people are saying to me, but other times noise bothers me so much that I have to scream. I try so hard to be good, but something always happens. My teacher thinks that I am just lazy and not willing to work, but, honestly, I don't seem to be able to do today the exact same thing that I excelled in yesterday. I usually won't play at recess because the kids laugh at the way I run, and my muscles and joints hurt so bad. Sometimes the slightest touch will make me go into a rage. Sometimes I stutter. I will have to say the beginning of my sentence several times before I can get the rest of it out.

At home, I don't allow anyone in my bedroom. I know if anything has been moved in even the slightest little bit. I also obsess about germs. I won't allow my 2 year old nephew to touch me because he has a lot of baby germs. I now wear tinted glasses that help with the lights or the sunlight that hurts me so bad.

I love my family so much and I give them lots of hugs. We tell each other that we love each other all the time. I say that I am sorry a lot because I really don't mean to do some of the things that I do.

I was so afraid that I would die when I was in the hospital. I had a very high fever and my head hurt so bad. I was seeing things that my mom said weren't there, and all of the tests that I had to do hurt so much, and I couldn't understand why they were doing all of these things to me. I was having seizures and I know this scared my mom a lot.

My brothers and sisters try to help me out and ask the other kids to stop picking on me so much. I ask my mom every day (several times a day) if I really am getting better. It is so hard to believe that my life really actually is getting better.

I have an older stepsister who is 16. She is very obsessive-compulsive, and gets very depressed too. Her main phobia is about dying. She asks everyday if the pain in her leg means that she has cancer. She asks about dying several times a day. She also washes her hands about every 5 minutes. She gets bad headaches and her muscles hurt, too. She hasn't been sick as long as I have, but she knows that she is getting better too. She knows that without the help that she, too, could very well be as sick as me.

I know that most of the time those that are sick with this stuff feel that we are all alone, (even in a house full of people). This is so hard to live with. I'm glad that I have my family. It's real hard most of the time, but I can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My mom and dad are sick too. Sometimes I hear them fight about what some of the doctors have said to them. Sometimes my mom cries and cries. I think it must be because of me, but she tells me that sometimes she just has to cry. Sometimes my mom has to stay in bed because she is so sick. She says that she hurts a lot of the time. Mom and Dad are both very forgetful. Dad sleeps most of the time these days. My parents seem to fight a lot about money these days.

All of us seem to be going to the doctor a lot and are taking a lot of medicine. Gosh, I hope the other 6 people that live in our house don't get sick too. I really like the wonderful Doctor that we go to in Missouri. My mom says that he is going to help us all.

We go to church and the people there pray for my family. We pray at home, too, and ask God to be with all the sick, hurt, and afraid people in the world.

JD (KS)